As always, it’s been a while.
My life has changed a lot since I last wrote, but life tends to do that. I could say something about the inevitability of change, and that it’s not good or bad, it just is. But, in my case…it’s pretty damn good. Except, and I try to take the yin with the yang, that I am a 4.5-hour flight from the one of whom the slightest thought makes me smile. Yup, I’m on the road again in a new place doing whatever it is that I do.
For me, this is just a job. It’s a job that both takes me away from loved ones, family, and friends spread out around the world who I would like to visit and also provides me with the resources to visit now and then. Its kinda that yin/yang thing again. But, I had someone recently call it a lifestyle. He said that he was doing this because of the lifestyle. I will not go into specifics about what he meant or more accurately what he said he meant. Basically, he wanted to do this job, so he could tell people he did this job. The job was how he defined himself.
There is something just not right about defining yourself by what you do for a living. Well, I guess it’s cool if it is right, but if you go out of your way to get a job so you can define yourself by saying, “I am a…” that cannot be right. So, yup, its kinda a tough guy thing that we do and we get to do some things that a lot of people would think are pretty cool. Really, it’s not. And, if you think it is and you do whatever it is I do so others will think you are cool, you probably do not belong here. And, if that is a basic truth here, then it is a basic truth.
I’m not sure how I got here, I never really wanted to be a part of a team that would have a guy like me as a member, but I have a roommate that is the real deal. He is an ex-special forces, ranger, or some other crazy acronym type guy. He likes to cook. The other night he was running around the kitchen all excited about the different ways he was going to flavor the meat for a barbecue. He does not define himself by this job; he defines himself by what he does when he is not deployed. He works for a non-profit that works with veterans with PTSD. I guess his program is part counseling and part surfing. To me, he is the guy that taught me that if you spice meat with herbs, you can use oil, but if you use curry, you have to use butter because butter brings out the flavor. He does not define himself by this job or by what he “was” on active duty. He is just too busy cooking and helping others.
The cat that thinks its cool and defines himself as someone who does whatever it is we do, he is a good cat. He is from a small town in the south, well educated, and happily married. That is a lot. He, like my roommate, is a lot more than this job. He just does not see that. I guess that is the sad part. I think he has accepted a Hollywood version of what is cool. And, I guess in Hollywood whatever it is I, or we do is pretty cool, but it is not who we are.
Me, well, I’m just a guy that is lucky enough to work with these guys and to be able to write about it when I’m sober sometimes, not tonight, but sometimes. Other than that, hell I’m not sure how I would define myself, but if it is in a name…it may be time for a change. Otherwise, I’m still searching. I’m not sure I want to be defined. I want to keep learning and evolving, and I want the ones I care about to keep learning and evolving with me.
I guess it may be a goal to know oneself. But it almost seems that if you know yourself, if you think you can truly define yourself, you have put yourself in a box, and you are so much more.
But, it has been a while since I have had a drink, so this is probably just crazy talk.
Thanks for stopping by.
Tuesday, October 9. 2018